"How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk" is, hands-down, one of our favorite books on improving parent-teen communication. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's 2005 book, based on their award-winning group workshops held nationwide, is, frankly, miraculous; like a sharp-edged scythe, it's a great tool for cutting through the oft-tangled thickets of teen-parent talk. The end result is often candid, mutually respectful dialogue between parents and teens, reduced conflict and frustration. The book's innovative ideas and strategies are simple yet effective -- just what the doctor ordered during the trying time before a B Mitzvah.
Instead of giving orders, which often create resentment and resistance, Faber and Mazlish suggest a parent, instead, just verbally describe the problem back to the teen! While this may sound counterintutive, the authors say such a response actually invites the teen to become part of the solution.
When a teen shares feelings of unhappiness or distress, parents often try to downplay or dismiss the feelings; after all, parents don't want their children to feel bad. But Faber and Mazlish argue this unwittingly adds to the teen's distress. Far better, they say, is to simply identify and restate the teen's thoughts and feelings. Putting a teen's thoughts and feelings into words, the authors explain, helps the teen deal with reality and gather the courage to move on.
Instead of ignoring a teen's feelings of fear, acknowledge the feelings with a single word or sound. A minimal, empathic response helps a teen feel understood and frees him to focus on what he needs to do.
Instead of pointing out what's wrong -- and everyone knows teens tend to tune out critical comments -- it's far more effective for a parent to state her values and expectations clearly and respectfully. Faber and Mazlish say this makes teens more likely to listen and try to live up to those expectation.
When a teen is blamed or accused she usually becomes defensive. Instead, simply give information in a respectful tone. This makes her more likely to assume responsibility for what needs to be done.
Instead of attacking teen with words that demean them, which causes them to withdraw or counterattack, a parent should describe what he feels. This makes it easier for the teen to hear what his parent is saying to respond helpfully.
Instead of nagging, a parent should consider putting his request in writing. "Often the written word can accomplish what the spoken word cannot," write the authors.
