A great model for parents to consider while guiding their children through the B Mitzvah process is one from the business world: performance coaching. This is the method human resource pros and managers use to improve employees' performance on the job. It's a discipline- and blame-free technique that empowers your child to want to make changes in her behavior.
Here's how it works:
1. Let your child know you want to set aside time to have an important conversation. Be clear about the purpose. But open with praise. Say: "I am very pleased about _______. But I want to spend some time talking about _________."
2. Explain why you are having this conversation. Say, "I have a concern about _______."
3. Describe the behavior causing the problem. Say, "I noticed that you ____." Focus exclusively on the behavior. Do not mention personality traits.
4. Explain the consequences of this behavior. "The tutor says you will not be ready for your B Mitzvah if you continue __________.” Or, "By refusing to work on your speech, the effect will be _____________.”
5. Tell how this behavior makes you feel. "When you behave in this way, I feel _____."
6. Ask for your child’s view. Say: "But that's only my view of it: how do you see the situation?"
7. Review your child’s preparation requirements. Check her understanding of exactly what she has to learn and write.
8. Ask your child how she will correct her behavior and how she can convince you she will do it. Ask, "What's getting in the way for you?" Or, "How confident are you that you can change?" Or, "What can you do to convince me that you will change this behavior?"
9. Empower your child to change himself. Ask him to say, in his own words, what specifically he will do to change his behavior. Say: "Can you tell me, in your own words, what you will do differently as a result of this discussion?”
10. Get your child to set his own standards for assessing his behavior. “Tell me what it’s going to look like once you’ve made this change.”
Here's how it works:
1. Let your child know you want to set aside time to have an important conversation. Be clear about the purpose. But open with praise. Say: "I am very pleased about _______. But I want to spend some time talking about _________."
2. Explain why you are having this conversation. Say, "I have a concern about _______."
3. Describe the behavior causing the problem. Say, "I noticed that you ____." Focus exclusively on the behavior. Do not mention personality traits.
4. Explain the consequences of this behavior. "The tutor says you will not be ready for your B Mitzvah if you continue __________.” Or, "By refusing to work on your speech, the effect will be _____________.”
5. Tell how this behavior makes you feel. "When you behave in this way, I feel _____."
6. Ask for your child’s view. Say: "But that's only my view of it: how do you see the situation?"
7. Review your child’s preparation requirements. Check her understanding of exactly what she has to learn and write.
8. Ask your child how she will correct her behavior and how she can convince you she will do it. Ask, "What's getting in the way for you?" Or, "How confident are you that you can change?" Or, "What can you do to convince me that you will change this behavior?"
9. Empower your child to change himself. Ask him to say, in his own words, what specifically he will do to change his behavior. Say: "Can you tell me, in your own words, what you will do differently as a result of this discussion?”
10. Get your child to set his own standards for assessing his behavior. “Tell me what it’s going to look like once you’ve made this change.”
