Is your child doing everything she can think of to avoid studying her B Mitzvah portion? Is she spending more time worrying about her performance on the Big Day than actually practicing for it?
Is the phrase “There’s no way I can learn all this” heard more frequently in your house than “Where’s my cell phone?”
We parents know how easy it is to feel frustrated, anxious or even angry about our kids' B Mitzvah procrastination. And to feel confused about how to handle it. Especially when the stakes seem so high. All our friends and family will be watching, we think, as our child chants from the Torah. We can’t possibly just do nothing as the Big Day creeps closer and our child continues to avoid studying.
So we nag, badger and apply liberal doses of that good old Tincture of Guilt; they makes us feel like we’re solving the problem. But the truth is, they’re only temporary solutions. And they come at a great cost – to our relationship with our child and our efforts to nurture his fledgling independence and maturity. So what’s a parent to do?
The first step to overcoming procrastination is understanding it.
Understanding Procrastination
Experts agree that people procrastinate to temporarily relieve themselves of their fears: fear of failure, fear of being imperfect, fear of impossible expectations. Most of these fears, in turn, are ultimately based on the idea that work and life are struggles.
How to Overcome Procrastination
1. Name your goal. Fill in this blank: “In a fantasy world, I would snap my fingers and _____ would be done.”
2. Assign whatever you wrote in the blank a new name, preferably that of something you love. So, for example, if you filled in the blank with “learn my entire Torah portion” assign it a phrase like “wearing soft, fuzzy slippers.” (Sounds silly but keep reading!)
3. Now name your fears. Be honest with yourself. Then fill in this blank: “I’m afraid I’ll _____________________.” (For example, “I’m afraid I’ll never learn my Torah portion perfectly.”)
4. Put these fears aside temporarily. Envision locking them away in a small box.
5. Now, agree to make a tiny, completely flawed step toward “wearing soft, fuzzy slippers.” Just one. Agree in advance that you will not, under any circumstances, do a perfect job. Perfection is forbidden.
6. Repeat step 5 as often as you can.
Other tricks for Overcoming Procrastination
1. List all the things you stand to lose by procrastinating.
2. Figure out exactly what you are responsible for learning. Then print out our indispensible Torah Portion and Prayers Progress Tracker. It lets you visualize everything you're responsible for all in one place. Best of all, when you post it on your kitchen refrigerator or bedroom door and check off what you've accomplished, it lets you watch as you make progress toward your final goal: knowing all your prayers and portions without vowels.
3. Get out your calendar and figure out a 15-minutes-a-day schedule. Study in small blocks instead of long time periods. For example, you will accomplish more if you study/work in 60 minute blocks and take frequent 10 minute breaks in between, than if you study/work for 2-3 hours straight, with no breaks. You’ll accomplish a lot more in small increments than one big push. Start now! Plan on completing everything one month before the B Mitzvah.
4. Don’t think about finishing. Only focus on starting.
5. Change how you talk to yourself:
-- Replace "I have to" -- which promotes victimhood and resentment -- with "I choose to."
-- Replace "I must finish" with "When can I start again?"
-- Replace "This is so big/difficult/daunting" with "I can take one small, imperfect step."
-- Replace "I must do this perfectly" with "I am only human."
-- Replace "I've got to get this done; I don't have time for play" with "I must make time for play." Reward yourself with fun, friendship, exercise, whatever after you've made your start. This makes making the next start much easier. Combined, this becomes: "I choose to start on one small imperfect step, knowing that I have plenty of time to enjoy life."
6. Dwell on success, not on failure.
7. Ask a family member to be your study buddy. (For more on this concept, read this.).
8. Make sure your study environment is the 3C’s: clean, clear and calm. Eliminate or minimize noise and distraction. Make sure you have bright lighting. And don’t lie down on your bed to study!
We parents know how easy it is to feel frustrated, anxious or even angry about our kids' B Mitzvah procrastination. And to feel confused about how to handle it. Especially when the stakes seem so high. All our friends and family will be watching, we think, as our child chants from the Torah. We can’t possibly just do nothing as the Big Day creeps closer and our child continues to avoid studying.
So we nag, badger and apply liberal doses of that good old Tincture of Guilt; they makes us feel like we’re solving the problem. But the truth is, they’re only temporary solutions. And they come at a great cost – to our relationship with our child and our efforts to nurture his fledgling independence and maturity. So what’s a parent to do?
The first step to overcoming procrastination is understanding it.
Understanding Procrastination
Experts agree that people procrastinate to temporarily relieve themselves of their fears: fear of failure, fear of being imperfect, fear of impossible expectations. Most of these fears, in turn, are ultimately based on the idea that work and life are struggles.
How to Overcome Procrastination
1. Name your goal. Fill in this blank: “In a fantasy world, I would snap my fingers and _____ would be done.”
2. Assign whatever you wrote in the blank a new name, preferably that of something you love. So, for example, if you filled in the blank with “learn my entire Torah portion” assign it a phrase like “wearing soft, fuzzy slippers.” (Sounds silly but keep reading!)
3. Now name your fears. Be honest with yourself. Then fill in this blank: “I’m afraid I’ll _____________________.” (For example, “I’m afraid I’ll never learn my Torah portion perfectly.”)
4. Put these fears aside temporarily. Envision locking them away in a small box.
5. Now, agree to make a tiny, completely flawed step toward “wearing soft, fuzzy slippers.” Just one. Agree in advance that you will not, under any circumstances, do a perfect job. Perfection is forbidden.
6. Repeat step 5 as often as you can.
Other tricks for Overcoming Procrastination
1. List all the things you stand to lose by procrastinating.
2. Figure out exactly what you are responsible for learning. Then print out our indispensible Torah Portion and Prayers Progress Tracker. It lets you visualize everything you're responsible for all in one place. Best of all, when you post it on your kitchen refrigerator or bedroom door and check off what you've accomplished, it lets you watch as you make progress toward your final goal: knowing all your prayers and portions without vowels.
3. Get out your calendar and figure out a 15-minutes-a-day schedule. Study in small blocks instead of long time periods. For example, you will accomplish more if you study/work in 60 minute blocks and take frequent 10 minute breaks in between, than if you study/work for 2-3 hours straight, with no breaks. You’ll accomplish a lot more in small increments than one big push. Start now! Plan on completing everything one month before the B Mitzvah.
4. Don’t think about finishing. Only focus on starting.
5. Change how you talk to yourself:
-- Replace "I have to" -- which promotes victimhood and resentment -- with "I choose to."
-- Replace "I must finish" with "When can I start again?"
-- Replace "This is so big/difficult/daunting" with "I can take one small, imperfect step."
-- Replace "I must do this perfectly" with "I am only human."
-- Replace "I've got to get this done; I don't have time for play" with "I must make time for play." Reward yourself with fun, friendship, exercise, whatever after you've made your start. This makes making the next start much easier. Combined, this becomes: "I choose to start on one small imperfect step, knowing that I have plenty of time to enjoy life."
6. Dwell on success, not on failure.
7. Ask a family member to be your study buddy. (For more on this concept, read this.).
8. Make sure your study environment is the 3C’s: clean, clear and calm. Eliminate or minimize noise and distraction. Make sure you have bright lighting. And don’t lie down on your bed to study!
